I’ve certainly had some weird ideas, visions and “insights” during my Spiritual Awakening (AKA drug-induced psychosis).

In this post I want to take a close look at some of the predictions and other “signs and wonders” which seemed significant to me.

I’m fully aware that it might make me seem crazy to be taking these things seriously. But, I’m just trying to be open-minded.

Maybe it’s all just a bit of fun – an exploration of how our minds can work under extreme circumstances. Or maybe my unconscious mind tuned in to some stuff that’s genuinely useful.

If you’re quite a scientific thinker, it’s pretty trivial to dismiss everything I say as mere coincidence. The human brain has a remarkable ability to spot meaning and patterns, even where there isn’t any (like faces in clouds).

But, I’m trying to be open-minded. Maybe this stuff means something, maybe it doesn’t. I find it interesting nonetheless and I’m not afraid to appear a bit weird or unconventional.

Timeline of events

Tuesday 13th August 2019

I took a huge dose of DXM, my drug of choice. (I don’t recommend that anyone else does this! It can be very dangerous for physical and mental health)

Sunday 18th Aug 2019

Psychosis symptoms were peaking. My sleep was severely disrupted.

In the early hours of the morning, I made some predictions…

I had been watching the classic anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. And I was fascinated by the Shinji Ikari’s first battle in the giant robot EVA01, fighting against the “angel” (monster) attacking Tokyo-3.

It seemed to me like I was Shinji, piloting the huge robot, and I had to defeat the enemy in order to save the city.

I thought there was going to be a terrorist attack. And I felt that I was, in some way, responsible for reducing the severity of the damage.

The date of 9/11 seemed to have extra significance (obviously I knew this was the anniversary of the US Twin Tower attacks).

It played on my mind that the US date format is the opposite to the UK one.

  • US date format: MM/DD/YY
  • UK date format: DD/MM/YY

So, I was thinking about the US date 9/11/19, it seemed important to me to swap the date into UK date format. So this produced the date 9th November 2019 (if we use the UK date format). I thought this would be when the terrorist attack would happen.

To me, it seemed like the terrorist attack I was predicting was going to be the UK version of the Twin Tower attacks. This was because I had swapped the date into UK format, and it also seemed appropriate to swap the location. It seemed likely to me that the attack would take place in London (as opposed to New York).

As I thought about the date 9/11/19, it started to seem like the number 2 faded into existence at the start of the date, making it 29/11/19 (29th November 2019). The number 29 has always been significant to me.

Quick recap: we now have 3 dates which seemed significant to me:

  • 11/9/19 (9/11, but in UK date format – 11th September 2019)
  • 9/11/19 (9/11 kept in the US way of writing it, but translated into the UK date format – 9th November 2019)
  • 29/11/19 (29th November 2019)

It scared the life out of me to think I might be predicting a terrorist attack. But I also predicted something even worse…

In the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, there’s an iconic scene towards the end of the series. Shinji has found out that his new friend, Kaworu Nagisa, is actually his mortal enemy. Only one of them can survive. If Shinji doesn’t kill Kaworu, then Kaworu will kill Shinji instead.

In the scene, Shinji is piloting the giant robot EVA01. He has caught Kaworu in EVA01’s fist and is poised to kill him. This scene is still for several minutes with haunting music playing in the background. It’s very strange. I imagine that Shinji is running through all the aspects of this dilemma in his mind.

Shinji and Kaworu have become very good friends. It doesn’t seem fair that Shinji must now kill his friend. But if he doesn’t then he will be killed himself.

Eventually, Shinji does what must be done – he kills his friend.

In my mind, I felt I was Shinji. I felt I had to kill my friend.

At the time, I thought the friend I had to kill was a guy I worked with… he has been starting to feel like a good friend to me recently.

I need to be very clear: I didn’t want to kill my friend. But it felt like: I was Shinji, then at some point in the future (weeks or months), I would need to kill him. It was my destiny.

I now felt very concerned. Not only had I predicted a terrorist attack, but I felt it would be unavoidable for me to kill my good friend.

I woke up my wife in the middle of the night to tell her my concerns. We agreed I needed to get an emergency appointment with my family doctor.

Monday 19th August 2019

I saw a doctor at my regular GP surgery. I told her about my predictions. She was very concerned, especially about the part where I killed my friend.

She urgently contacted several local mental health services, including the Crisis team.

She warned me that if I left the premises and didn’t come back promptly, she may have to call the police. She was genuinely worried I might try to kill someone.

I spoke to the crisis team later that day. They were happy that I was not posing an immediate risk to my own safety or that of anyone else.

I was booked in to have an in-depth mental health assessment on Friday 23rd August 2019.

Between Monday 19th Aug – Thursday 22nd Aug 2019

I spoke in great detail about all of this with a good friend of mine, let’s call her Jane.

She reassured me that none of this related to the real world. Instead, everything I’d seen/predicted was merely symbolic. This is similar to how dreams can be symbolic – they’re often not meant to be taken literally. They require interpretation.

I felt a huge sense of relief. There wasn’t actually going to be a terrorist attack. No-one was going to die. I didn’t need to kill my friend.

Now I felt much more relaxed. My worry turned into a kind of curiosity. I wanted to find out what, if anything, would happen on these dates.

Thursday 22nd Aug 2019

I saw the number 444 repeatedly. It was almost glowing. I saw it close to the number 11. That evening I saw 444 at least 7 times.

I told Jane about this – she’d told me about her own experiences of seeing the number 11 repeatedly. She felt it was a very spiritual number. But Jane also seemed to think I was taking this way too seriously.

I knew that in Japanese and Chinese cultures, the number 4 is often associated with death. I hoped that I wasn’t predicting 3 deaths (444).

I thought 444 might be somehow related to a poker hand, a set of 4s.

Friday 23rd Aug 2019

I underwent an in-depth mental health assessment by a psychiatric nurse. She gave a provisional diagnosis of drug-induced psychosis. It made sense to me.

I was able to explain my insights by saying Jane had helped me realise they were merely symbolic. I felt there was zero chance that I would harm myself or anyone else.

I’m really grateful to Jane. If I’d continued to believe I was destined to kill my friend, I fear I could have been sectioned under the Mental Health Act (locked in a secure hospital, usually for a short time, against my will).

Around this date, I Googled the meaning of 444. I was pleasantly surprised to see it seemed to have positive connotations, including experiencing a Spiritual Awakening, which is exactly how I’d been describing my psychosis. It also seemed the Angels were on my side, which I found comforting.

Saturday 7th Sept 2019

I noticed that the number 444 seemed to be associated with my favourite musician, Flume. I blogged about it here. I felt this was probably just an interesting coincidence, but it still made me feel happy.

Wednesday 11th Sept 2019

The anniversary of the 9/11 attacks in New York. And also the first of the dates which had seemed significant to me during the peak of my psychosis.

My friendship with two friends, one of whom was Jane, reached a low point. I received an unpleasant email from the other friend, let’s call him Brian. He made it clear he felt our friendship was on life support.

Then I suddenly realised: this was the 9/11 attack. The Twin Towers (my two friendships) were destroyed, reduced to rubble. At this point I still held out hope that the friendships could be saved at some point in the future.

The number 11 which I’d previously seen next to 444, that represented the Twin Towers.

Saturday 14th Sept 2019

I decided I didn’t want ever be friends with Jane or Brian again. They had crossed too many lines for me. I wrote a blog post thanking Brian for calling me stupid. I made it clear our friendships were permanently over.

Mid-Aug to Mid-Sept 2019

In the space of these 4 weeks (approximately), there were 3 deaths in my extended social circle. Two of them were by suicide, friends of friends. The other one was a member of my extended family.

This fits with the interpretation of 444 meaning 3 deaths.

As far as I know, there have been no other deaths of anyone in my social or family circles in recent months.

Thursday 26th September 2019

I suddenly realised: my vision about it being my destiny to kill my friend… I’d got the wrong friend!

It was actually Brian who I had killed (metaphorically), back on 14th Sept. I hadn’t actually killed him, but I had killed any chance of us being friends again.

Remember how I said the scene in Neon Genesis Evangelion (where Shinji was forced to kill his friend Kaworu) was unusually long? The length of this scene gave me the feeling that the two characters were carefully considering everything that had happened, trying to decide how they should act.

I now feel this long scene represents the fact I took 3 days, from 11th Sept to 14th Sept, to carefully contemplate the necessity of killing my friendship with Brian.

Now, the prophecy seems to be complete – at least, it’s complete up to the current date.

What Next?

We still have to see what might happen on 9th November and 29th November 2019.

Maybe nothing will happen.

Maybe I got confused about the US/UK date formats for 9/11.

Maybe “the British version of 9/11” simply related to the fact that Brian, Jane and myself are all British.

In the UK, we have Brexit due to happen on 31st October 2019. There have been some extraordinary political events over the last few months. Who can say what extraordinary events the tail end of 2019 might bring?

Even Jane (initially) thought that my date predictions might have something to do with Brexit.

Or maybe, those dates are purely symbolic and relate only to events in my own personal life, just like with 11th September.

We shall see!

What do you think? Am I reading too much into all this? Is it all just a set of interesting coincidences?

Or might there be something deeper going on?

My Super Powers… Are Back!

After my Spiritual Awakening on the 13th Aug, I was magically gifted a set of super powers (AKA drug-induced psychosis). Over the next 2-3 weeks, these powers gradually faded and I returned (more or less) to my usual self.

Today, several of the positive effects came back strongly:

  • A strong sense that my life has purpose and that I’m in exactly the right place at the right time, doing the right thing.
  • Strong sense of motivation and direction.
  • Physical sensations: like my brain is glowing (especially in my forehead); it feels like there’s a long metal bar going horizontally through my skull, from temple to temple (it feels pleasant!); there’s a kind of soft echo to my breath and hand movements, which religious people might interpret as The Holy Spirit; my limbs feel lighter.
  • I feel especially tuned in to what feels meaningful to me.
  • It feels like all aspects of my being are aligned: physical, mental, unconscious, soul, higher self (some of these may be synonyms for each other).
  • I’m aligned with the 3 spiritual principles of Truth, Courage and Love.
  • My ability to concentrate is strengthened.
  • Creative ideas and insights occur to me in a much higher volume than usual.
  • I feel like I can easily enter the state of ‘flow‘.
  • Colours seem brighter.

The biggest downside is that I need to keep reminding myself to focus on the right thing at the right time… I was so absorbed in thought earlier that I absent-mindedly did a couple of things which put the health of one of our dogs at risk. Luckily we think he’s going to be OK, but that kind of mistake is really serious and the consequences could have been much worse.

So, my ability to pay attention may be super strong, but I still need to direct it to the right place at any given moment. I need to watch out for this.

If I lose these super powers again (which seems quite likely), how do I tap into them again later?

Great question. I think the following activities are all closely linked to entering the flow state:

  • Listening closely to my favourite music (currently it’s mostly Flume)
  • Using a gentle, relaxed Awareness to notice the things which feel meaningful to me.
  • Using my Attention to “tune in” to those meaningful things, turning potential into reality.

When I do the above, my super powers (sometimes) come back. I shall keep experimenting with this. Fingers crossed I can replicate these results at will, moving forward.

That would truly be tremendous.

So, What Now?

I feel I have a moral obligation to make the most of these abilities.

I’m going to:

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Absolute Terror Fields from Neon Genesis Evangelion

[Last Updated: 28/08/19]

[Note: This post discusses symbolism and psychological concepts. It requires you to have an open mind.]

The AT Fields (Absolute Terror) from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion – they are real.

Let me explain…

Two competing AT fields from Neon Genesis Evangelion. The monster (angel) is on the left, our hero (Shinji Ikari) is in the giant robot EVA Unit 01 on the right. Between them is a plane consisting of concentric octagons. This is the point at which two AT Fields are pressed up against each other.

Some of the very best stories resonate with us so much because they tell us something very real about our reality. Jordan Peterson has taught me that.

For example, The Lion King. It may look on the surface like a trivial kid’s story. But in reality, it tells us many deeply profound lessons about life. I think it’s a similar case with Harry Potter.

When I first watched Evangelion way back in the ’90s, it absolutely captivated me. It was so dark, so cool, so profound-seeming. And there was tonnes of it which I simply didn’t understand. But it’s always been one of my favourite anime series.

Now, over twenty years later, I understand it much better. It’s packed with symbolism – ideas which on the surface may seem merely very imaginative. But at a deeper level, they actually tell us profound things about who we are.

Today, I’ve worked out what the AT Field from Evangelion represents.

Now, I’m not saying that everything from Evangelion is true. Lots of it is pure fiction and there’s not much you can really read into those fictional parts. But there are some useful nuggets contained in the show which can prove insightful.

First, the name: why Absolute Terror? How can Terror be a force for good in real life?

Well, the AT Field keeps terror at bay. It keeps terror away from the core of our being. Within the AT field, there is a beautiful space where there is no terror, allowing the possibility of a deep sense of love to grow. [NOTE: This is purely my own intuition about AT Fields. I don’t think their exact nature is discussed in the anime, though it’s been a long time since I watched the series in its entirety]

It is your attention and awareness inside the AT Field which push fear outside and away.

AT Fields represent our attention. We have different types of attention too. In the anime, these types are colour-coded (red, blue etc). I believe in real life that our attention fields can have different strengths and shapes.

Here are two types of attention field which feel very real to me (and I suspect, to everyone).

  1. A kind of loose, gentle, soft attention awareness. It operates in a wide sphere around us. It also penetrates into the depths of our unconscious. I’m wondering if this is the type of attention you have when you’re in a state of flow.

    It’s the type of attention you get in the shower when you’re relaxed and feeling creative. Creative possibilities seem to bubble up from the unconscious. Your mind is very open and awaiting possibilities.

    If I had to assign a colour to this kind of AT field, I’d say it’s a gentle blue/green, and it’s not very bright, maybe even translucent.

  2. A very hard, strong, narrow attention. It’s almost indestructible. I see it projected as a thin wedge in front of us. When we focus our attention this narrowly, we exclude everything outside the AT field from entering our conscious awareness.

    This is the kind of attention you have when you are sharply focussed on a task, e.g. reading an engrossing book. It can also be used in combat, like UNIT 01 and the angels do.

    If I had to assign a colour to this AT field, I’d say it’s red/orange. It’s very much a bright colour and it feels very solid. You can see it (or at least the front edge of it) in the screenshot at the top of this page.

    And at the point where this AT field hits another AT field, that’s where we see that sheet of glass that seems to be made of concentric octagons. I don’t yet understand why it’s an octagon. Is that purely a part of the fiction of the anime series, or does the number 8 have something important to do with attention and conflict?

    [UPDATE: A friend has pointed out that the symbol for the number 8 is very close to the symbol for infinity, just rotated 90 degrees. This could be relevant in some way.]

    [UPDATE 28/08/2019: I now believe that infinity is the combination of Truth, Love and Courage. This idea comes from the videogame Ultima IV.
    I’ve also included infinity in my graphic for Tidy Your Room.]

If you’re reading the above and it sounds like nonsense to you, that’s fine. Ignore it and move on. But if these ideas resonate with you, I’d love to hear from you.

I’m especially interested in other aspects of the Evangelion anime which represent something real though perhaps unconscious about real life.