Mixtape Visualiser

I’m a drug addict.

Fortunately, thanks to the 12 Steps, I’m an addict in active recovery.

That means I can’t take drugs ever again, or I’ll be on the fast-track to divorce and homelessness, or maybe even jail, institutions and death.

Fuck, I can’t even drink wine any more.

Cheeky glass of Barefoot White Zinfandel? Nope.

Comforting sips of delicious port over the Christmas holidays? Not a chance.

I love exploring different ideas and experiencing new things. Something I used to love to do was to smash my brain into a different dimension with my drug of choice, DXM. I’d lie on my bed, headphones on, listening to my favourite music. And what I’d experience would be totally out of this world.

Music sounds even better when you’re fucked on DXM. It’s fucking awesome.

But, like I say, I can’t do that any more. Unfortunately.

So, what’s the closest I can get to being fucked off my face and exploring other dimensions inside my own mind, but without taking drugs?


I listen to this mixtape every day. It’s now my favourite piece of music ever.

Bless you, Flume, you take me closer to God.

Flume – Skin (Reaction Video)

Here’s a hilarious reaction video to Flume’s Skin album from 2016.

Flume is a musical genius, he’s my favourite producer.

(Track 12, Take a Chance feat. Little Dragon, is my favourite from this album).

And the guy in the video is absolutely right, this album sounds even better when you’re smashed off your face on drugs.

But drugs are bad, m’kay (nudge nudge, wink wink).

A Grey Mood Requires Some Greyhat

Yesterday morning I wrote that I was really struggling. This morning is even worse. This is proper hardcore depression.

Yesterday wasn’t all bad. In fact, for most of the day I felt OK-ish. But by the evening I was just done.

And today… well, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I won’t answer the phone, I just want to be alone. I feel isolated and disconnected. And in pain.

Even telling myself that it’s just the devil whispering in my ear, that’s not helping.

I want to avoid feeling sorry for myself. And equally I’m not going to push myself too hard either. It feels like the best route is just to be kind and gentle to myself, maybe keep myself pleasantly distracted.

“This too shall pass”

– Bollinger, R. (2019)

Music and videogames – two of my favourite distractions.

A few days ago, I fell in love with a track called Tell All Ur Friends by Greyhat. So I decided to check out his other work. And that’s when I realised I’d already heard and loved at least 2 of his other tracks.

Something about his music eases my pain, soothes my damaged heart. It makes me smile, gives me hope.

So, without further ado, I give you 3 amazing tunes from… Greyhat!

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… AKA Why I Love Flume

Over on the Flume subreddit, it seems that Amber is a fan-favourite from his “Hi This Is Flume” mixtape release a few months ago. Even Flume himself said this track is special to him and will go in every single live set. He spent a long time getting the sounds just right.

(Watch & listen to the Amber music video on YouTube below)

According to the “Big 5” personality test (the most widely-respected way of describing someone’s personality according to modern psychology), I’m extremely high in Openness, I think the 98th or 99th percentile.

That means I’m very creative, which I do believe is the case (even if I didn’t believe I was creative at all until my late-20s).

I seek out novelty. I love new ideas, new sights, new sounds. I love exploring. And, on the other hand, convention bores me.

Flume reminds me a little of a modern-day Aphex Twin – exploring sounds, having fun.

He doesn’t give a fuck about sticking to musical conventions. In fact, he often seems to go out of his way to defy convention.

But he’s not an anarchist. His music isn’t just noise. It’s awesomely beautiful… and Amber is a fantastic example.

For me, Amber does that strange spiritual thing where it aligns all the components of my being… Mind, Body, Soul, Higher Self, Conscious, Unconscious… however you choose to describe them all.

It takes me to another place. It makes me feel like me – the best parts of myself.

I love Flume because his music makes me deeply happy.

I really hope I get to see him live one day soon.

Louis The Child Feat. K.Flay – It’s Strange (Candyland Remix)

This remix came to my attention this week thanks to Spotify’s awesome Discover Weekly playlist.

At first, I really didn’t like this song. I’m a huge fan of the original, but this remix seemed quite melancholy to me. It made me feel kinda sad.

But then, on my second or third listen, the lyrics suddenly stood out to me in a different way.

The song seems to be about romantic relationships between two people…

[Verse 1: K. Flay]
Heart been so cold that I don’t feel at all
Scarred up inside, so I built all these walls
My head rolling back, but I’m faking the rush
And out every night and I’m lonely as fuck

[Pre-Chorus: K. Flay]
I make my own rules and my own plans
I got no room for no man
That’s my way, that’s my way
Then I saw you in a dream, right
I wanna call you, a kind of feeling
I can’t name, I can’t name

[Chorus: K. Flay]
It’s strange
But I don’t need space from you
And every single thing you do, I like
I’ve been chaste
Maybe I just knew I had to wait for you
Draw a knife and carve a little space for you
It feels nice

[Hook: K. Flay]
It’s strange, but I don’t need space from you
And every single thing you do, I like

Lyrics from “It’s Strange” by Louis The Child

… but, what if… the lyrics could be about… my new-found relationship with God?

Now, the song takes on a whole different tone – one in which it feels appropriate for the music to have an austere beauty, almost a coldness.

The music in this remix now has very little happiness (compared to the original), but to me it does feel spiritual, from the soul, meaningful… deep.

And now I’ve found this new layer of deeply personal meaning, I absolutely love this remix.

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Dead Wood -> New Life

Sometimes you have to cut away the dead wood in order for life to thrive.

Sometimes wildfire is needed to clear the path for new growth.

After obsessing almost non-stop over the unpleasant Twin Towers event last night, I’m now ready to move on.

This morning I’ve had a good chat with my Dad. I’ve also spoken with my 12 Steps sponsor.

What’s done is done and it’s time for me to just accept it, even though I don’t like what’s happened. This has all unfolded as it was meant to. What will be, will be.

I have forgiven the others involved. And I’ve forgiven myself.

A few hours ago, my heart felt heavy and I was exhausted. But now a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel free. I have a second wind of energy despite almost no sleep last night. Thank you, God / Higher Power.

Now it’s time to leave the past behind and look forward… I want to concentrate on my next big project.

I’m going to create the videogame I’ve been wanting to make.

I’ve seen several signs over the last few days which seem to be encouraging me to be brave and aim high.

Is there a risk I might fail and look stupid? Yes, but I’m willing to try.

Do I have the skills to do it? Not yet, but I’m willing to learn.

Do I have the money to buy the VR kit? No, so I’ll start with the mouse-only version.

Do I have the determination to try my absolute best at this? You bet I do!

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[UPDATE 07/09/19: Just remembered… I had a dream a few nights ago where I was setting my watch to 4:44.

And, just now, on my WordPress stats page… check out the vertical column of 444.

It also looks a bit like the number 11 is on the left (two thick blue bars). Apparently when 444 is with 11, it’s a magic reinforcement.]

My WordPress stats page, 21:19 on 07/09/2019

At the peak of my Spiritual Awakening around Thursday 22nd August 2019, I kept seeing a certain number everywhere…


During the course of one evening, I must have seen this number at least 7 times. Every time I saw these three number 4s, the numbers seemed to be bright and glowing, they were standing out so much to me.

I was blown away by this, so I WhatsApp’d a friend of mine who I knew was into Numerology (that’s how I know the date this happened).

After a while, I realised (intuited?) it actually seemed to be 44 followed shortly afterwards by another 4.

I had no idea what this all meant, only that it felt very significant to me.

Bear in mind, I had been experiencing drug-induced psychosis for about 9 days by this point. Make of that what you will.

Earlier today, I blogged about Flume’s Mini Mix, which aired on BBC Radio 1 last night. Flume has been my favourite music producer for the last couple of years. Here’s the Radio 1 website:

Flume’s Mini Mix from Annie Mac’s show on BBC Radio 1

Notice anything? Let’s look closer…


Also, I’ve just noticed… at the start of the mix, Annie Mac says:

“…So he’s done us a Mini Mix that is 4/4, which is significant…”

Annie Mac

Just a coincidence? Probably…

… But also very cool.

[UPDATE 08/09/2019: After a quick bit of Googling, one of the possible meanings of seeing 444 everywhere is that you’re experiencing a Spiritual Awakening. That’s exactly what I believe has been happening to me for the last few weeks.]

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