Struggling

Since the bomb went off in my head two days ago (9/11), I’ve been feeling angry, confused and disconnected.

The desire to escape is strong, both inside and outside my head.

I’m finding lots of reasons why 12 Steps fellowships are not for me…

I saw several instances of unpleasant behaviour at a meeting last night which highlighted the non-professional nature of the fellowships.

These people are not qualified counsellors or therapists – and it shows. It’s the blind leading the blind, relying on unthinking faith in an attempt to navigate a quagmire of dogma. Free thought is discouraged.

I’m sorely tempted to quit my job. My favourite colleague has moved to another store.

I’m tempted to escape to my Dad’s place in Scotland for a few days to try to gather my thoughts…

… but at the same time I have an inner knowing that running away isn’t going to solve my problems.

Any faith I had in a Higher Power has evaporated. Even the concept of it seems childish. I certainly don’t feel I have God within me or that God is with me, like I used to.

My thinking has turned inward. I can tell I’m being selfish and self-centred, but that knowledge alone isn’t sufficient for me to break out of it.

I’m tempted to delete this entire blog. It’s contradictory and nonsensical. I’m not sure it holds any value even to myself, never mind anyone else.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I guess just wait and hope I feel better soon.

This all brings up an interesting question… is it better to be happy and deluded, or unhappy and intellectually correct (and probably alone)?

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