I knew something needed to change…
For the last week, I’ve been wrestling with certain aspects of 12 Steps again.
I’ve tried “surrendering” to my Higher Power and to my program…
… but that’s simply not who I am. I’ve always been someone who questions everything.
Some people can simply accept things on faith, ignoring stuff they find problematic. I’m not like that.
But I didn’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. I didn’t want to quit 12 Steps altogether. If I could find ways to make it work for me intellectually, I wanted to keep going with it.
Well, the good news is that I’ve found ways past all my sticking points… For now!
I wasn’t comfortable with anthropomorphising my disease of addiction. “Your disease is trying to trick you,” just didn’t make sense any more. Now, I see it merely as a need to stay aware of unhelpful thinking patterns.
I was struggling with the concepts of God and Higher Power. But now I see that God is in all of us. We each hold a divine spark. We just need to get in touch with it and manifest it in the world to the best of our ability.
I’m not happy with the traditional 12 Steps. So I’ve been researching alternative, secular versions. And I think I can find a set which work for me. I may customise them to be uniquely right for me.
It’s really important to me that I stay intellectually consistent. If I feel like I’m fooling myself then 12 Steps isn’t going to work for me.
I’m also fed up with the dogmatic nature of the “step work” workbook. I want to tackle the 12 Steps in my own way, with no pressure to adhere to dogma.
I’m aware that I change my mind a lot. I’m not very consistent over time.
But at least I’m not burying my head in the sand to things I find problematic.
I’m being true to myself. I’m honouring the divine within me.
And it feels right.