Surrender

I’m an idiot and I have no idea what I’m doing.

My very best thinking resulted in me being addicted to drugs, trying to escape from reality and deceiving friends and family in an attempt to conceal my using.

I really don’t like admitting how much of a piece of shit I have been. My ego attempts to protect me – I wasn’t really that bad, was I? Forget about those bad things, what about all the good parts of yourself?

When a friend puts themselves down, it’s a natural reaction to try to soften the blow for them. Surely they’re exaggerating? Maybe they’re just not seeing the full picture?

But sometimes it’s really important to take a good hard look in the mirror. We need to be brutally honest with ourselves from time to time, even if it hurts.

I have done some fucked up shit, either to get hold of, or as a result of using drugs. To protect my ego, I’ve had a convenient ability to brush the horror of my actions under the carpet and not deal with reality.

I sometimes feel like a cat who used up its nine lives a long time ago. In truth, I don’t really know how I’m still here. By rights, I should be dead or homeless (or both) by now. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful for all the good things I have left in my life, of which there are many.

But even now, after all the shit I’ve been through, there’s a part of me that still thinks I know best. My self-will wants to take control of the 12 Steps process and mould it into something different.

It’s time I give up. It’s time I admitted my powerlessness. It’s time for me to surrender to my Higher Power.

It’s time I stopped trying to filter the 12 Steps through the lens of my own will. The 12 Steps is a system which works wonders in the lives of addicts, but only if they allow it. It’s been successful for hundreds, if not thousands, of addicts for decades. So why do I arrogantly think that I can do better? How deluded can I get?!

I’m feeling very humble this morning. I’m ready to do the difficult work of recovery from addiction. With my ego out of the way, it feels like I’m more in touch with reality. My heart is open.

As I woke up this morning, the sun streamed through my window and gently caressed my face. My Higher Power is ready to help me, all I have to do is surrender.

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