The last few mornings have felt like rescuing myself from quicksand… only to fall in again, defeated, at night. Depression is trying pretty hard to drag me down.
I hate admitting that. Does it make me look weak? Or maybe I appear to be attention-seeking?
It’s not nice knowing at least a small portion of your audience are actively waiting for you to fail. Even people you used to be close to.
Schadenfreude. “I told you he was worthless”.
But that’s just the devil on my shoulder, trying to get me to feel sorry for myself. And there will always be haters.
No-one is coming to rescue you.
That’s the cold, hard, truth. I have to rescue myself. I must face my dragons voluntarily.
Most people are too busy with their own lives to care. That’s the truth, too.
People like to appear to care – their ego wants to believe they are good people. But how many people consistently act in a way which shows they truly want the best for you? Not many. If you have one or two good friends, you are lucky.
“Make friends with people who want the best for you.“– Rule 3 – 12 Rules for Life – Jordan Peterson
I haven’t been to a 12 Steps meeting in over a week. I haven’t spoken to my sponsor in several days. Why am I so keen to spurn the amazing help being offered?
These people, these addicts, are just like me; they understand me. They have many of the same self-destructive thought patterns and behaviours as me.
So why do I keep telling myself that I don’t need my brothers and sisters in recovery? That I’m different to them?
Sure, the 12 Steps aren’t perfect, but neither are people. There’s plenty of things I’d change about the fellowship… it’s too dogmatic, it over-generalises, it lumps together all addicts into the same story, ignoring our individuality and idiosyncracies. It seems to prioritise emotion over reason.
But the 12 Steps are still the best way I’ve found for saving myself. It’d be stupid to ignore that. They’re offering kinship, when a part of me seems intent on destroying myself and many others have forsaken me (which is mainly my own fault).
When writing a blog or using any form of social media, it’s tempting to always put your best foot forward, pretend that everything is fine… to show the world only the positive aspects of ourselves.
Aren’t I such a good, wonderful, wholesome person.
But that isn’t real… and I’ve never been a fan of fakery. Give me an honest asshole over a flattering gentleman anytime.
I’ve had enough of people with big egos. Perhaps the worst are those who don’t even recognise they have an ego.
So that’s why I started today’s post by saying, “I’m struggling,” – it’s the truth.
I wish I had my life all together and could confidently solve society’s problems with a clever flourish from my keyboard.
But the reality is, most of us are up to our knees in various forms of quicksand, we just don’t like to admit it.
Rather than over-ambitiously aiming for utopia, I’ll try to remember that each day I just need to take one step forward. And then another. And eventually I’ll be able to look back and see that my life is a bit less shit than before.