How Do I Say This Without Sounding Insane?

Earlier today, I prayed. I had deep suspicions about whether it was worthwhile or if I was just being stupid and wasting my time. But I did it anyway.

Even though I felt daft, I asked God / My Higher Power to show me a sign. I wanted to know if my 12 Steps fellowship was the right path for me.

Tonight, God answered.

Some things to bear in mind:

  • I considered myself an atheist and hardcore scientific thinker for most of my adult life. (That changed on Aug 13th).
  • I don’t know how to explain what’s happened tonight other than… God answered.
  • If you think I’m insane or deluded, I can’t do anything about that. It is what it is. I know what I’ve experienced and felt tonight.

I don’t know where to start. It was incredible…

You’ll have noticed from my earlier posts today, I was at a crossroads. I felt like shit and I was ready to turn my back on the 12 Steps groups I’ve been attending. I even listed all the reasons why I felt 12 Steps wasn’t going to work for me.

Now I know which way I’m going.

I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life. And I feel amazing.

God works through people in the 12 Steps meetings. That’s the only way I can put it. If you’re an atheist, I’m sorry, I don’t (yet) have the words to explain to you what I’ve experienced tonight.

Stop waffling, what actually happened?

I wasn’t going to go to tonight’s meeting. But my sponsor’s text message this afternoon made a lot of sense to me. So I decided to make myself go, even though I just wanted to stay at home.

There was a “main share” from an addict who has now been clean for 6 years. It absolutely blew me away.

Sure, the finer details of their story were different to those in my life, but so much of the essence was exactly the same. As they spoke, I tried to keep a track mentally of all the ways in which I could relate closely to their story. I quickly gave up trying to count – there were too many. I was smiling and shaking my head in disbelief.

And as other people attending the meeting also contributed their shares, each person filled in more of the hole in my heart. It all made perfect sense. All my questions and doubts were answered.

God couldn’t have provided a clearer sign to me if he physically descended from Heaven on a white cloud and smacked me round the head.

I am an addict. I will always be an addict. The best way for me to recover is by following the 12 Steps: attending meetings, listening to the experiences of others, and doing what’s known as “step work”.

Bollinger, R. (2019)

If I ever doubt that this is the right path for me (which I’m sure will happen often because I have the disease of addiction and it’s a sneaky fucker), I just need to return back to these blog posts from today. It’ll show me the total reversal from being utterly broken and miserable, to walking on air. And hopefully it’ll kill any doubts stone dead.

Imagine a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean. Wooden planks, broken and rotting. Metal rusted and bent. Marine life colonising it. That was me before the 12 Steps.

Now imagine that ship, magically restored to its former glory. It glides over the waves, full of joy and light. It is perfect and complete. The wind of God fills its sails. That’s me now… and it will continue to be me, as long as I KEEP COMING BACK (as they say at meetings).


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