Full Mind -> Mindful

I’m feeling irritated this morning and I’m not quite sure why. I don’t often get irritated these days, thanks partly to the max dose of SSRIs I take every day.

There are a few possible reasons:

I have a part-time, minimum wage job which isn’t stretching me at all. I mean, I do kinda enjoy it. The money is useful and it gets me out of the house and socialising with people.

But if it wasn’t for the lovely people I work with, I may have killed someone by now. I keep telling myself that I want to earn more money. I want to do work which challenges me, makes full use of my potential and which feels meaningful… and yet I’ve barely even taken the first step in that direction.

What’s holding me back? Fear? The unknown? Who knows, but my frustration is reaching the point where something has to change soon.

So, what work would I do instead?

Well, the work would need to be flexible hours and ideally I could do the majority of it from home, enabling me to continue looking after our dogs.

Ideally I would be self-employed, or at least have a high level of autonomy. I really do think my days of shutting my mouth and dealing with corporate BS are well and truly over. I’d give myself 3 days before telling some prick to go fuck him/herself.

I have skills and interests in writing, in IT, in videogames and music. Maybe I should stop procrastinating and start actually making the videogame I want to make.

What else might be causing my irritation?

We currently have an intractable-seeming family problem, but I won’t go into detail publicly. It feels very important to get it resolved in the next few days, but every solution I consider seems to tell me, “Nah, that won’t work.” There’s a moral element to this situation too, which I think is making me angrier.

Or maybe there’s no real reason for me feeling this way. Maybe I’m just a bit dehydrated and need some caffeine.

Maybe I should stop obsessing over how I feel and just get on with my day. When I put my focus outside of myself and onto something meaningful, life has a way of sorting itself out. If I want to, I can choose simply to witness the thoughts and emotions as they pass through my mind, allowing me to rediscover a certain level of mindful peace.

For now, I’ll pray to my Higher Power to guide me and give me the patience, wisdom, and courage to deal with all the issues I’m facing in the best way possible.

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